What I Wish the Baby Books Talked About
Going into preparing for my first postpartum experience, I read allllll the books. For me, the more information I could get, the better. I spent so much time worrying about my ability to step into this new role–how do I change a diaper again?? As a therapist, I thought I was pretty set on how to cope during this time. I mean, it’s literally my job to talk, understand emotions, and develop coping skills. Yet I found that while baby care soon became second nature, the emotional and mental transitions felt the hardest. Here’s what I wish baby books talked about.
You’re Learning, Too
During my pregnancy, I could understand that my baby would be doing everything for the first time and planned to give grace accordingly. I knew that they would need to learn how to sleep, feed, and adapt to life outside of the womb. However, I found it hard to allow that grace to extend to myself. As a self-identified perfectionist, I wanted to get it immediately and do it all effortlessly. What I failed to see is that I, too, was learning. I was learning how to be a mom for the first time and how to understand the unique needs of the little human in front of me. You’ll probably feel like you have no clue what you’re doing at times and that’s okay. You’re new to this too, and it won’t feel new forever.
Your Baby Doesn’t Need a Perfect Mom, They Need YOU
Along with giving space to learn, so many moms place pressure to do things perfectly all the time. Do you find that you want to have the perfect sleep schedule, feeding times, coordinated nursery, and perfect responses to your baby all the time? This can feel suffocating, and simply unrealistic. Your baby doesn’t need you to be perfect. You’re allowed to mess up, make mistakes, feel unregulated, wear the same stained sweatshirt three days in a row, or forget to bring diapers when you go out. Your baby needs you, in all of your imperfection. You are the person most equipped for their care.
You Don’t Have to Suffer in Silence
So much gets dismissed during pregnancy and postpartum that deserves care and attention. You may find that people brush off feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or sad as just part of the process. Or, they don’t allow you to feel these emotions because you’re supposed to just be happy. Either way, the response can feel dismissive and shut down your comfort in reaching out. Know that you don’t need to suffer in silence. Find people around you who you do feel safe talking with. Work with a therapist or support group in order to help you through this time.
You Deserve to Take Space
Once baby comes along, mom can often be forgotten. Your needs matter. You deserve to take time and space for yourself, and do what you need in order to promote your own health and wellbeing. This is important not only for you, but for baby and your overall family. If you feel like you aren’t taking any time for you, see if you can start to take some breaks and allow yourself to care for you.
You May Not Know Who You Are Right Away
The shift in identity really surprised me in my postpartum experience. I vividly remember a time when I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize who I was seeing. While not everyone has such a stark experience, many moms experience shifts in identity as they become mothers. If you don’t feel like you know who you are right now, that’s okay. It can take time to develop and shift your identity. Allow space for you to explore who you are in this season of life, and try to accept the messiness that can come with it.
Things Will Get Better
The sleep deprivation, the overwhelm, the cracked nipples and adult diapers. None of these things will last forever. Over time, you will start to feel better. Your baby will start to get onto a more normal schedule. The burp cloths will be replaced by bibs. Instead of trying to help baby hold up their head, you’ll be helping baby learn to walk. If you’re in a storm, it will eventually pass and you will come out of the other end. At points, it may feel like things will never feel easier. If you’re here, keep holding on, get the support you need, and know that things won’t feel like this forever.
