Why Does Attachment Matter?
Depending on the theoretical orientation of your therapist, there may or may not be much focus on your childhood. Some therapeutic approaches are primarily concerned with here and now issues and don’t spend much time on past experiences, while others focus heavily on the past.
Attachment Therapy in Westchester County, NY
Attachment-focused therapy delves deeply into the past, particularly looking into the nature of the relationship you had with your parents as a young child, or even baby.
You may be thinking, I don’t even remember what happened when I was an infant, how can this matter?
While explicit memories don’t tend to form until around two years old, we can begin to develop implicit memories in utero. These memories tend to be somatic, meaning they carry more of a felt sense, rather than a narrative. In short, the body remembers our experiences, even if our mind doesn’t.
In addition, the relationship we have with our parents are our earliest relationships. These set the foundation for any other relationship we have in our life, and deeply affect how we view others as well as ourselves. The first year of life in particular is centered around building a trusting relationship with a parent.
Understanding the relationship you had with your parents can unlock a great deal of information about the impact these attachments have on your current functioning.
For some, we develop a secure attachment with one or both of our parents, or another primary attachment figure. Secure attachments provide children with a sense of trust and unconditional support, allowing for greater confidence, autonomy, and ability to connect with themselves and those around them. Those of us with secure attachments tend to fare the best as we grow into adulthood.
For others, we do not have a secure attachment with a caregiver. Whether having an inconsistent parent, an absent parent, an abusive parent, or other, we did not develop a safe base of connection. Without this foundation, those of us with insecure attachments can view ourselves and the world negatively, or without a basic sense of trust or safety.
Signs of attachment trauma include:
Not knowing who you are
Relying on others to make decisions for you
Difficulty trusting others
Over-reliance on others for self-worth
Feeling the need to go above and beyond in relationships
Intense anxiety at the thought of rejection or abandonment
Struggling to set and maintain boundaries
If this sounds like you, know that while our early attachments form our foundation for future relationships, we can heal from these attachment wounds. Building understanding around our attachments, focusing on the needs of the inner child, and reprocessing disturbing experiences related to our attachments can help us to be more secure with ourselves and those around us.
Ready to get started? Reach out today for a free 15 minute phone consultation.
